I am never able to discuss this in full because I feel so ashamed admitting to this behaviour, even touching on it with my wonderful therapist is so difficult.
The 365 day's a year cycle:
Determination --> Strength --> Persistence --> Fasting (to work off yesterdays binge) --> Doubt --> Anxiety = BINGE
It is really really awful. Yet it's kind of interesting to think that if you do something a certain amount of times, then the neurons within you brain adapt and make paths for it, so inevitably you will resort back to what you know sooner or later. What society does not understand about Bulimia is that it is all psychological, and it is beyond sufferer's control.
Every morning I wake up and tell myself: "Today will be different, I made that one so big that it would be the last time. 100% sure. You know you will regret it" etc etc etc,
yet in LITERALLY a heartbeart all of the wisdom and knowledge leaves my mind and the illogical, evil side of my mind convinces me that this is want I want, I will be able to 'undo' it, that I 'deserve' it,
when ultimately binging and purging it the most hated aspect of my life.
I am fully aware of the health effects, psychological and emotional trauma, and total chaos that comes hand in hand with these bulimic actions,
but what I need to know is, will I ever be able to stop?
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