I'm sick of cheating. Well it's not exactly like I 'cheat' anyway, because I can never win at my own game
No more Valium
No more Serepax
No more Diet pills
No more Phentermine
No more pain, headaches, and overdosage hangovers. To my body, i am sorry
Only Nodoz.
If I am going to do this, I am going to use the strongest drug I can get my hands on;
my spirit.
I WILL be thin, AND BETTER
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Change
I have been waiting so long for an epiphany, some profound moment. I've looked up at the stars so many times, begging them to give me a sign, a last chance at hope. I walked outside tonight, with the all too common thought of not being good enough, of never being good enough. And then I realised,
is this my life?
the short span of time that humans in general do not want to end, and the decisions I have made have almost totally ruined mine.
I have told myself this hundreds of times before, but I now realise that life can be so much better than this.
For years I have been punishing myself for my changes in weight, both up and down. When was it that I based my happiness on the weight of my body? Why did I choose to prioritise the appearance of my body over family, friends, lifes pleasures, all to reach 'a goal weight'? Why was it that something as stupid as my limbs and the number on the tag of my clothing took over me, as if a poison was becoming more concentrated in my blood?
I know that thinking this problem will vanish overnight is the epitomy of naivity, and so here is my pledge;
I will lose the 4 kilograms I gained over Christmas- in means that are in no way healthy
I will get to 50, I will stay at 50
From there I will learn to own my mind, and reprogramme my life.
I will teach myself that there is so much more.
I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I want to fall in love;
And I will.
is this my life?
the short span of time that humans in general do not want to end, and the decisions I have made have almost totally ruined mine.
I have told myself this hundreds of times before, but I now realise that life can be so much better than this.
For years I have been punishing myself for my changes in weight, both up and down. When was it that I based my happiness on the weight of my body? Why did I choose to prioritise the appearance of my body over family, friends, lifes pleasures, all to reach 'a goal weight'? Why was it that something as stupid as my limbs and the number on the tag of my clothing took over me, as if a poison was becoming more concentrated in my blood?
I know that thinking this problem will vanish overnight is the epitomy of naivity, and so here is my pledge;
I will lose the 4 kilograms I gained over Christmas- in means that are in no way healthy
I will get to 50, I will stay at 50
From there I will learn to own my mind, and reprogramme my life.
I will teach myself that there is so much more.
I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I want to fall in love;
And I will.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas, Farrrkkk.
I miss childhood so much! Remember the days when there was no way that Santa WASN'T real, and the whole family's priority was to ensure milk and timtams where left for the pudgy old man, as well as a carrot or two for his reindeer?
Now, the second I think of the word 'Christmas' a million thoughts begin buzzing around my head;
Food, too much, presents, family dinners, family lunches, chocolate, leftover food, turkey, ham, ham, how yum is ham, pudding, fruit cake, carbs, fat, sugar, binging, purging, over & over, weight gain
the list is endless.
Then I think about all the lucky people who have a normal relationship with food and what they must think when they hear the words December 25th...
How bliss that must be. Well I hope their holiday is truly enjoyed, without paranoia and constant anxiety around food.
And for all of you who are also shitscared about the next few days, just think: This time next week you will look back, and you will either have failed dismally, or you will have managed 'ok'. Either way, it will pass and dwelling on it will only get you down even more. One day, all of us will find happiness.
Merry Christmas(:
Now, the second I think of the word 'Christmas' a million thoughts begin buzzing around my head;
Food, too much, presents, family dinners, family lunches, chocolate, leftover food, turkey, ham, ham, how yum is ham, pudding, fruit cake, carbs, fat, sugar, binging, purging, over & over, weight gain
the list is endless.
Then I think about all the lucky people who have a normal relationship with food and what they must think when they hear the words December 25th...
How bliss that must be. Well I hope their holiday is truly enjoyed, without paranoia and constant anxiety around food.
And for all of you who are also shitscared about the next few days, just think: This time next week you will look back, and you will either have failed dismally, or you will have managed 'ok'. Either way, it will pass and dwelling on it will only get you down even more. One day, all of us will find happiness.
Merry Christmas(:
Totally sane one minute, binging the next
I am never able to discuss this in full because I feel so ashamed admitting to this behaviour, even touching on it with my wonderful therapist is so difficult.
The 365 day's a year cycle:
Determination --> Strength --> Persistence --> Fasting (to work off yesterdays binge) --> Doubt --> Anxiety = BINGE
It is really really awful. Yet it's kind of interesting to think that if you do something a certain amount of times, then the neurons within you brain adapt and make paths for it, so inevitably you will resort back to what you know sooner or later. What society does not understand about Bulimia is that it is all psychological, and it is beyond sufferer's control.
Every morning I wake up and tell myself: "Today will be different, I made that one so big that it would be the last time. 100% sure. You know you will regret it" etc etc etc,
yet in LITERALLY a heartbeart all of the wisdom and knowledge leaves my mind and the illogical, evil side of my mind convinces me that this is want I want, I will be able to 'undo' it, that I 'deserve' it,
when ultimately binging and purging it the most hated aspect of my life.
I am fully aware of the health effects, psychological and emotional trauma, and total chaos that comes hand in hand with these bulimic actions,
but what I need to know is, will I ever be able to stop?
The 365 day's a year cycle:
Determination --> Strength --> Persistence --> Fasting (to work off yesterdays binge) --> Doubt --> Anxiety = BINGE
It is really really awful. Yet it's kind of interesting to think that if you do something a certain amount of times, then the neurons within you brain adapt and make paths for it, so inevitably you will resort back to what you know sooner or later. What society does not understand about Bulimia is that it is all psychological, and it is beyond sufferer's control.
Every morning I wake up and tell myself: "Today will be different, I made that one so big that it would be the last time. 100% sure. You know you will regret it" etc etc etc,
yet in LITERALLY a heartbeart all of the wisdom and knowledge leaves my mind and the illogical, evil side of my mind convinces me that this is want I want, I will be able to 'undo' it, that I 'deserve' it,
when ultimately binging and purging it the most hated aspect of my life.
I am fully aware of the health effects, psychological and emotional trauma, and total chaos that comes hand in hand with these bulimic actions,
but what I need to know is, will I ever be able to stop?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Spend a moment reading this, it can't hurt
So, you've been looking around browsing various web pages related to Eating Disorders and/or food, or perhaps you've simply clicked the wrong button. Whatever the case; take a minute to absorb this. Reading enhances your IQ.
I have never really gotten into the whole 'blog' thing; but i assume that if I was into it i'd like a few fast facts - as no one wants to read an essay:
Age: 16 and 5 months
Who the hell am I? I have had a bad relationship with food since about year 7, but it was only in the last 2 and 1/2 years that i've suffered from Bulimia.
My name: Obviously it isn't Lilah, but I wouldn't be stupid enough to discuss personal struggles and things I am ashamed of with my name attached
My mission: First and foremost it is to get back to the old Me and return to reality, without seeing food as the issue I do now. I am supposedly in recovery, (I am involved in a program where I weekly see a therapist, dietician, doctor, psychiatrist, case counsellor, physiotherapist) and have been for the last 6 months, yet I feel as though my disorder is worse than ever.
I feel like i've tried every possible avenue at trying to get back to a happy life, yet no matter what I do I am still stuck in this awful psychological and physical cycle.
The one thing I have and always have had a issue with is broadcasting my 'struggles, woes, depression' as I can't stand the idea of self-pity. But I thought that seeing as though every Tom Dick and Harry has a blog on some topic or other, I mayaswell create one about the hardest part of my life - in yet another attempt to get out of it.
Now that's enough waffle from me; I would just like to say that this page is relevant for:
Bulimics
Anorexics
EDNOS
COE
Those who have suffered with an Eating Disorder
Those who are aware of someone struggling with an Eating Disorder
Those who are on a diet or even ARE looking for weightloss tips
The grandma at the end of my street
***This is not exclusive to any specific group of people.
Just in case you are getting the vibe that I am somewhat encouraging eating disorders:
I am not going to babble about how this blog is "Not a pro-ana/pro-mia tips page" or anything like that, because I do not feel obliged to. I know within myself that I would die before trying to inflict this obsession upon ANYONE, even my worst enemy. So I hope you do not see this as a trigger, and I am deeply sorry if you do.
I have decided to create this blog as I sit here in my extremely messy room, on the 23rd of December 2010 (SHIT it's my mum's birthday and I STILL haven't rung her) and wish to document my life - hoping it will in some way make me better, but even if it doesn't, It'll be something interesting to read back on in 60 years won't it
So as soon as I quickly ring Mum and wish her a good day yadayadayada I'll be back to write a bit about Me, food, my experiences, and how much an Eating Disorder sucks.
I have never really gotten into the whole 'blog' thing; but i assume that if I was into it i'd like a few fast facts - as no one wants to read an essay:
Age: 16 and 5 months
Who the hell am I? I have had a bad relationship with food since about year 7, but it was only in the last 2 and 1/2 years that i've suffered from Bulimia.
My name: Obviously it isn't Lilah, but I wouldn't be stupid enough to discuss personal struggles and things I am ashamed of with my name attached
My mission: First and foremost it is to get back to the old Me and return to reality, without seeing food as the issue I do now. I am supposedly in recovery, (I am involved in a program where I weekly see a therapist, dietician, doctor, psychiatrist, case counsellor, physiotherapist) and have been for the last 6 months, yet I feel as though my disorder is worse than ever.
I feel like i've tried every possible avenue at trying to get back to a happy life, yet no matter what I do I am still stuck in this awful psychological and physical cycle.
The one thing I have and always have had a issue with is broadcasting my 'struggles, woes, depression' as I can't stand the idea of self-pity. But I thought that seeing as though every Tom Dick and Harry has a blog on some topic or other, I mayaswell create one about the hardest part of my life - in yet another attempt to get out of it.
Now that's enough waffle from me; I would just like to say that this page is relevant for:
Bulimics
Anorexics
EDNOS
COE
Those who have suffered with an Eating Disorder
Those who are aware of someone struggling with an Eating Disorder
Those who are on a diet or even ARE looking for weightloss tips
The grandma at the end of my street
***This is not exclusive to any specific group of people.
Just in case you are getting the vibe that I am somewhat encouraging eating disorders:
I am not going to babble about how this blog is "Not a pro-ana/pro-mia tips page" or anything like that, because I do not feel obliged to. I know within myself that I would die before trying to inflict this obsession upon ANYONE, even my worst enemy. So I hope you do not see this as a trigger, and I am deeply sorry if you do.
I have decided to create this blog as I sit here in my extremely messy room, on the 23rd of December 2010 (SHIT it's my mum's birthday and I STILL haven't rung her) and wish to document my life - hoping it will in some way make me better, but even if it doesn't, It'll be something interesting to read back on in 60 years won't it
So as soon as I quickly ring Mum and wish her a good day yadayadayada I'll be back to write a bit about Me, food, my experiences, and how much an Eating Disorder sucks.
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